To fly or not to fly, lady?

Flylady. The mere thought of the Flylady, at this point in my life, scares me, when years ago it caused me to feel hopeful. You'll either know immediately what I'm talking about or you'll have scrunched eyebrows and a slight elvis-lip... "meh?"

http://flylady.org/ -- this broad has her act together, in terms of organization and having a clean and peaceful home. She started with just cleaning her sink, faithfully, but in the midst of her disorganized household every day she cleaned and shone her kitchen sink and it grew contagiously into the rest of her abode. Now she teaches and encourages others to take "baby steps" in that direction, by many (I mean a whole lotta) tireless emails throughout the day to help ga-thousands.

For the last few days it's been stewing in me to try it again, to unsubscribe my inactive yahoogroup self and start fresh with an email addy dedicated only to the daily batch of email reminders, hints, encouragments, prodding, etc. Am I crazy? Will this be another try but fade out effort on my part? I'm afraid to fail, but maybe I'm more afraid to succeed. I do self-sabotage most everything I do.... there, I said it. *pause for heavy thump of cosmic realization*. Will confessing that be a good or bad place to start -- I mean, am I already self defeating by admitting that, and admitting that I have no idea how to stop doing it either??

Just a while ago, I figured that I'd do just as I mentioned and join flylady fresh. First I avoided it by reading all emails in all mailboxes I could remember the passwords for without having to go get my notes. Then I ran over and cleaned my kitchen sink to a shine --- like pre-cleaning before the cleaning lady arrives so that she won't fully realize what bad shape the house is she's been hired to clean and therefore judge you to be a big slob (even if you are) hahaha. Now I'm procrastinating by writing in my blog about it... I mean, it's sooo valid to explore my feelings and motivations before embarking on such a............ (nah, I'm just putting it off).

Now I'm telling myself that by writing this down, I'm making myself accountable to anyone who reads it to make sure I follow all the flybroad's advice and in a few weeks I'll have to have a clean house to show for it, and that's stressing me OUT! If I try just a bit harder, I could talk myself out of doing this and might even offer a plausible reason! Brilliant! So I won't have to change, won't have to even attempt to make things a little better, and I'll be exactly where I am or a little bit worse by the time Christmas comes. Brillia... n.... wait a second, I don't think I want to be the same in a month.

BUT I have to be up early tomorrow and it's already after midnight. Surely it would be stoopid to join tonight and have an emailbox full in the morning when I won't be home to read it until later tomorrow sometime. Then there will be dinner to get busy with, and a couple loads of laundry, some sewing, etc. I don't think I have the time to try to do better, be tidier, get organized. I'm not organized enough to get organized.

.... round and round and round she goes,
where she stops, nobody knows.