Christmas melancholy

It's here. It's 12:30 am Christmas Day here. I'm just not feeling the "magic", but I thought I was so careful not to set myself up by daring to expect to feel it. I had closed my eyes for a while earlier and let the memories of my happy childhood Christmas excitement wash over me -- that was pleasant. It's not good to dwell on the past nor to expect it to be the same as it was but still, a part of me holds out for a return of lovely nostalgia.

My parents did go out of their way to make the holidays a special time for us, with candlelight, music, stories of Santa Claus, carefully selected gifts, delectable baking favourites, visiting Gramma... I was blind to the amount of work that my Mum & Gramma especially put into creating it all. For weeks ahead my Mum did go a bit nuts with the cleaning (washing all walls! good grief) but I suspect she wasn't the only woman in the community to feel so driven to over achieve. She didn't ask me to help much, so I was floating around in my happy bubble of anticipation. Poor Mum, up to her chin in self imposed work.

So tonight, decades later, here I am... missing the sparkle. Even more so, I'm missing my Mum (gone 11 years this month), and now my Dad (gone 20 months). Feeling sorry for myself I suppose, trying to shake off the feelings of being so alone, like an orphan -- but I'm a grown woman so am not supposed to feel this lost. Is every age and awkward age? It must be worse because we don't have children of our own, so I'm not able to provide a magic holiday for my kids. My own neices have grown, but they are an enormous disappointment since their mentally ill mother poisoned them against my brother (their dad) and everyone on this side of the family. Thought they would grow up and out of it, but brainwashing runs deep at times. So although they live fairly close, we never see them... they have estranged themselves and their own children we've never met.

Thus, we spoil our god kids... we adore them and think they're the best kids on the planet. Two girls are kids of the guy who was best man at our wedding and he and my hubby actually have known one another since they were 6 years old, and went through school together. I'm hoping those girls will come hang out with us when we're wheeling around the nursing home hehehe. We've spent the last several Christmas Eves with them, and tonight was no exception. Lovely evening with just 8 of us, a fantastic Cranberry Roast Beef & potluck meal. Music, fireside, laughter..... ooooo, there was a sparkle of that ol' Christmas magic I tell ya! I need to dwell on that.

Tomorrow will be our first time alone on the 25th, and we aren't sure what to expect.. emotionally I mean. We've got a special little meal planned, and some baking and making of candy to keep us occupied. On one hand I just want to throw a pity party but thankfully the other hand reminds me that I do have so very many blessings, and there are others who are facing far more difficulties than I am.

So, I'm going to close this blog entry (sorry it's been a month since my last one) and as I've heard it said "put on my big girl panties" and just get over it. *smile* I'm hoping that tonight my dreams will be full of happy memories of the loved ones who've gone from earth, and whom I miss so much. Mum, Dad, Mom-in-law (Ann), sister-in-law (Charlotte), Gramma & Grampa...

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.